A SLIVER OF HOPE
by Inflamed
Summary: What happens when Dan confronts his past.


A SLIVER OF HOPE  
C.J.KIMURA  
  
9/67  
  
Dan Williams looked dejectedly at the ceiling of his bedroom, he had come home three days earlier, stinking drunk and had been here ever since. Dan had tossed his jacket, tie, shoes and socks in a corner of his bedroom. The bedsheets and bedspread, twisted and in disarray just like himself. The phone was ringing, again. The phone had been ringing for the last three days, at all hours and still Dan hadn't answered it. He didn't have the energy to answer it, or anything else. The funeral, his mother's reaction had totally drained Dan. What made him think things would change, how could he have been so stupid. Dan looked at his clock radio on the nightstand, 3 p.m. or so he thought, he had lost track of time, not really caring either way. The trades blew gently into the room, cooling it off somewhat as the afternoon light filtered through the curtains. Tears did not come, either did sleep, his dreams filled with images, biting images of the last few years. Dan closed his eyes and tried to sleep.   
Opening his eyes, Dan found his bedroom dark, along with the rest of his apartment. The only light was from the street lights below and from the stars. Hadn't a cop taught him anything; maybe not. Maybe that was a mistake too. His whole life a stinking, horrible mistake. The lights started coming on in his apartment, then his bedroom light came. Blinking his eyes, Dan found him staring at his boss, Steve McGarrett, tall, black hair and intense green-blue eyes stared at him. Steve looked cool and calm in his blue suit as he leaned against the doorframe.  
"Your not dead, but you sure look like it.", Steve's tone indicating relief and irritation at the same time.  
Dan laid there, this was his apartment and he hadn't invited Steve in.  
"Danno, you had a very important court date today. Stewart was able to get a postponement. Frankly, I'm disappointed in you, I don't like looking bad in front of the court or attorney general's office. I've worked too hard to get and maintain Five 0's reputation and I'll be dammed if it will be ruined by someone's laxness. Just what the hell, do you think you're doing. I've had May call, I've called. You haven't picked up the phone and I didn't give you permission to take a vacation."  
That's all Steve cared about reputation, just like his father and mother. He had thought Steve was his friend. Two years, two long hard years of work, for what. No life, friends, well friends could let you down.  
"Get out", Dan started to get up.  
"Danno, what's gotten into you." Steve blocked the doorway.  
"Get out", Dan rummaged on the top of his dresser, found it.  
"Get the hell out of my apartment," Dan handed Steve his Five 0 badge as he looked up at him. Steve stood there dumbfounded and Dan pushed his 6'1" frame towards his front door.  
"GET OUT", slamming the door in Steve's face. Dan turned out all the lights and went back to bed.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Unable to sleep, Steve came earlier than usual to the palace. Opening the doors, turning on lights, he felt like he was doing something. Steve started coffee and grabbed Dan's personnel file. Going into his office Steve opened the french doors to the lanai and brought out his coffee and file.  
Dan's badge still in his coat pocket, he was still in shock. Granted he hadn't known Dan that long, but Steve didn't just accept anybody in his unit. May warn him last night, if he did anything to upset Dan, she would never let him forget it. She was right, ever since Dan joined the team, the office felt different. Dan always quick with a joke and smile seemed to infuse the unit with energy. Steve shook his head, there was nothing in Dan's file to indicate problems. Third in his class at the academy, expert marksman, a quick rise up the ranks to detective. Something had driven Dan, Steve could see that, Dan had hungry eyes, always willing to please and learn. He was missing something, what he didn't know. Looking at his insurance form an Aunt was beneficiary, not unusual but Dan hadn't even mentioned her. Finishing his coffee and the file, Steve went out to the outer office, Chin and Kono were in now, and maybe they knew something. He had been out of the office most of the week, what with meetings with the governor and other events.  
Signaling them in, Chin and Kono followed Steve into his office.  
"Danny, going to be okay, Boss?", Kono unbuttoned his brown jacket and sat down. Steve hadn't realized he was so transparent.   
"I think so. Depends on what you can give me."  
Chin sat down chomping down on his pipe. A sure sign of worry or thinking, that's the only time Steve saw Chin's pipe come out.  
Steve sat down behind his desk. Taking a deep breath.  
"Was Danny acting strange or out of the ordinary, say last week?", hoping for some clue.  
Both Chin and Kono exchanged looks and shook heads.   
"Wait a minute, boss. Maybe Tuesday, Wednesday we was eating lunch, Danny was reading the paper and then he got this weird look on his face, like he'd seen a ghost or something." Kono volunteered.  
"Anything else", Steve's eyebrows shot up.  
"Well, Steve, Danny told me he wouldn't be in the office Monday and he did seem a little bit more restrained than usual. He wouldn't even laugh at my jokes. It was like he was thinking about something. I don't know if that helps", Chin stared at Steve.  
"You know, Steve, you ain't making me feel any better." Kono joked.  
"Kono, you've known Dan the longest. Does he talk about his family or anything?"  
"Steve, I haven't know him that long. I met at the academy, you know, I was going out, he was coming in. He's one cool cat, man. Danny can cut you with a knife with his comments. We go surfing, but that's about it. Does that help?" Steve could now see the concern in Kono's face. Somehow Dan had the effect on everybody. Steve felt Dan's badge, he couldn't quite bring himself to put it away.  
"Anything else, Steve. I got to be in court in an hour." Chin started to get up.  
"No, nothing else. Thanks, fellas." Steve patted them both on the shoulders and they talked to each other quietly as they left.  
He had a damm good crew, but one important member was missing.  
  
XXXX  
  
  
Light streamed into Dan's bedroom, as he slowly awoke. What now? He had told his boss off in so many words. He felt horrible ,why couldn't he cry, maybe because he had years ago. For some reason he never connected with his father, he had tried so hard. First wanting to go to public school and not private, every decision he made pushed him farther and farther away. Then, the ultimate rejection, when he decided to become a cop, not a psychologist, an acceptable career. Every year at Christmas he would show up and every year he would be turned away. Dan looked at the curtains billowing, and he thought it would be different Monday. His mother would welcome him with open arms, when did he become a sucker, hadn't a cop taught him anything. She treated him just like a stranger, perhaps the last blow. Tears now came as he realized how much he wanted and needed family. Never realizing how jealous he was of Chin, Kono, even Steve, they had family at least, and he couldn't tell them he spent Christmas every year in an empty apartment. He didn't want them to feel sorry for him, he had made it this far. He could make it the rest of the way.  
XXXXX  
  
Steve grabbed Tuesday, and Wednesday paper, but with interruptions wasn't able to look at until late in the afternoon. Going page by page, Steve felt frustrated. Hadn't he looked through the paper before and it had been right in front of him. Steve poured himself another cup of coffee and looked at the paper, he found it in the obituary section. George Williams, industrialist , dead at 55, survived by wife, Helen, daughters, Diane and Sally. Danny was the spitting image of him, cold, blue eyes, and no mention of Danny. Damm cold of them. So Danny might have headed home hoping for some reconciliation and found none. Steve shook his head, no wonder Danny fought so hard. Trying to make his way in the world. Steve got up from his desk and headed out to the lanai. Thursday afternoon, it should have been a perfect day. This week, Steve now realized how important Danny was for Five 0, with his island attitude, Dan could seem to tame the beast in him. Steve looked across to the hale, wondering what to do. Granted he had some insights into the human psyche, being a detective, but interpersonal relationships wasn't his forte, he would have to seek professional help.  
X XXXX  
  
Dan got up and headed towards the bathroom, looking in the mirror he saw what Steve had. Dark black circles under his bloodshot eyes, four days growth of stubble and dull blue eyes stared back at him, not to mention his unruly brown curly hair. Deciding to take a shower knowing it would make him feel better; standing under the hot water seemed to wash away some of his tension. Getting out, he found the bathroom filled with steam, and opened the bathroom door. Shaving, Dan seemed to be able to come alive and feel more human, even brushing his teeth, brought him out of his black mood. Feeling one hundred percent better, Dan began to dress, automatically reaching for a suit, Dan had to stop himself. He couldn't quite deal with that yet, later, later. Grabbing shorts, shirt and zodi's, getting dressed he realized his was behind in housework.. He hadn't been to the cleaners, his sheets needed washed, maybe he could even to some grocery shopping. But first, he was starving, only after he had gotten something to eat, would tackle the little things in his apartment.  
  
XXXXXXX  
Sitting in the psychiatrist's office Steve squirmed in his chair, not liking what he was hearing.  
"So I'm supposed to do nothing. My officer is hurting and I do nothing."  
"Steve if what you told me is true, Danny needs some time to sort things out. Even you're not sure what happened. If and when Danny feels ready, then you can talk, that's if he comes back. Steve, he's just been through a big shock and maybe he'll reevaluate his life. There's no guarantee he will come back." The doctor emphasized this.  
"And if he doesn't", Steve started to get up from his chair.  
"Then you live with it and get another officer to replace Danny."  
  
XXXXX  
  
Dan felt guilty driving in the Five 0 sedan, but he didn't have a car at the moment. In the shop, Dan never really needed it until now. Always on call 24/7 with Five 0, who needed another vehicle. Driving to Rainbow Dan was starting to feel better already. The windows were open and Dan had turned off the radio, a reminder of what he had done, but wasn't quite ready to deal with.   
After eating lunch, Dan headed back to his apartment and did housework. Just the act of doing simple things, Dan started to understand why he was so crushed when his mother rejected him for a second time. He didn't have a family and realized Monday how desperately he needed one. Sure, Steve and Five 0 were family in sense, but he needed a real family, someone he could count on.   
Watching the clothes spin in the dryer, Dan felt this was how his life was now. Before his father died, it was well ordered, he knew working compromised most of his life in order to fill in for family. He would have to make some decisions, either way, but today he couldn't just for today, he would do simple things to clear his mind for the hard choices he would have to make shortly.  
XXXXX  
  
Friday and Steve felt frustrated, reaching for the phone he wanted to call Danno and let him know things were ok. The scene Wednesday would probably be eating at Danno and Steve wanted to say he understood, but the doctor said do nothing. Do nothing. Steve had been short with Kono and Chin all day, they ignored him, thank god, and went about their business. May kept on giving him looks all day, and he returned them. She had no right to know every turgid detail in the office. Bad enough she dealt with the murder, kidnapping and every crime, she wasn't going to be the office busybody. Not that she didn't care, Steve knew everyone had treated Danno like some kid brother, but Danno was a cop and not someone to be babied. Walking out to the lanai with his coffee, Steve wondered what Danny was doing now, hoping he was coming to terms with his grief and he would find his smiling face on Monday. Wishful thinking he knew, hoped Danny would see this was where he belonged, Five 0 was his Ohana as the Hawaiians called it. Taking a sip, Steve knew it would be a long and frustrating weekend.  
XXXXXX  
  
The housework done, Dan went out to the small lanai of his apartment, thinking he would have to make some hard choices. Would he stay with Five 0 or go back to HPD? Not that it was his decision, he had told Steve off in so many words on Wednesday, how come that seemed eons ago and not days. No, he wouldn't make that decision now, he would think about it later and face the music on Monday, now he would enjoy the beautiful weekend. The crystal blue water, blue skies and plumeria scented air, something he had forgotten about, working inhuman hours as a detective.  
Getting into his car, Dan drove to the north shore, he would surf all weekend, to clear his mind. Parking, Dan could hear the surf crashing on the beach. Young lovers hiding under blankets, children running in and out of the surf, Dan enjoyed the beach at night, always feeling connected somehow. Dan walked for hours, until exhausted and headed home. Things were looking up, he would make it as a feint smile crossed his lips.  
Surfing the whole weekend, Dan's cares seemed to wash away with each push on the board. Feeling the power and force of the waves exhilarated him and infused him with new energy. Years of anger and frustration evaporated like the water for every hour he spent in the water. Only coming out to eat, Dan surfed until he could see no more, when darkness fell, only then would he come in.  
Sunday night was the hardest, Dan became restless, afraid of what might happen on Monday. Steve had every right to bring in front of a board of review, but would he. Did he want to face that or should he go back to HPD, maybe he wasn't cut out for the high stress level of Five 0. Myriad thoughts ran through his mind as he tried to get some sleep, however as soon as Dan hit the bed, he feel asleep, any worries or concerns lost in his unconscious.  
XXXXXXX\  
  
Still feeling anise, Steve came into the office early, he had driven by Danno's apartment a few times over the weekend and had seen him. Definitely a changed man, but how much had worried Steve. If nothing else, he would convince Danny to stay, Dammit, he was apart of Five 0, Steve, not realizing the impact Danno had made until now. Starting coffee Steve went into his office and started going through the weekend's mail. Taking off his blue jacket and loosing his tie, Steve already felt nervous for Danny. For once forcing himself not to come in on the weekend and tackle the unending paperwork that sat on his desk. Steve left the office door open, hoping to hear welcome footsteps.   
XXXXX  
  
Parking the car, Dan could see Steve's familiar frame on the second story lanai, wondering if he had seen him. Taking a deep breath, Dan grabbed a box of malsadas, a peace offering of sorts, it now seemed liked a useless gesture. He knew Steve couldn't resist them, hoping to use them as an icebreaker. Climbing the steps, Dan unbuttoned his green jacket and inhaled the Koa from the wood banister and walked down the hall to the Five 0 offices and opened the door. The only thing he heard was the ever familiar coffee pot, Dan only realized on how much he had missed the office, bracing himself Dan headed to Steve's slightly open office door. Better to get it over with then to prolong the agony.  
"Morning, Steve. Thought you might like some malsadas with the stuff you call coffee", Dan put the small box on Steve's large koa wood desk.  
Steve got up from the desk, trying not to get too emotional.  
"What do you mean, coffee. I think it tastes pretty damm good."  
"Ya, for motor oil, you navy guys just don't know how to make coffee." Dan kidded around, wondering when the conversation would turn serious.  
"Steve about Wednesday, I."  
"You could have told me, Danny." Steve's anger just slightly showing.  
"Steve, you don't understand. Hell, I don't understand. I just thought things might be different. Besides, I didn't want to lay my problems on you. You have enough already." Dan sat down in front of Steve's desk.  
Coming around his desk, Steve put a hand on Dan's shoulder and grabbed the other chair.  
"Look, Danno. I played detective, I talked to Chin and Kono and found out about your father. I know we don't always get along, but I thought at least you could tell me about . ."  
"My family, the only family I have is Five 0, I think. After what happened Wednesday you can put in front of the review board or kick me back to HPD, whatever I deserve, Steve." Dan sat there clutching his hands and looking at Steve.  
Steve got up and went back around to his desk and opened a drawer.  
Here it comes thought Dan, transfer papers, suspension. He asked for it.  
"How about having my detective back" Steve said as he handed Dan his Five 0 badge. "And consider your days off as bereavement. Next time, you talk to me about it. Personal or otherwise. Got that Williams."  
"Ya, sure, anything you say Steve." Dan beamed.  
  
PAU  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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End file.
